Everyone knows that picking the right swimming costume is a risky but crucial piece of holiday shopping. This is especially true if you actually like to swim and require a lycra garment that will look good and stand up as appropriate sportswear. Tackled incorrectly, your choice of swimwear could leave you with inappropriate tan lines, bisected flesh pockets, nipple slippage or, worst of all, the justly feared full body wedgie. Lucky for you, I’ve carefully examined the choice of swimwear on offer this season and identified the costumes that will allow you to make like a fashion-forward Esther Williams and shamed those that would leave you with any number of aquatic humiliations.
1. Paolita one-piece swimsuit, from £176
WILL I LOOK SUPER AWESOME?
This swimsuit appears to be what song and dance men of the 1930s would call a ‘honey’ particularly for women who have a more voluptuous lower half. It certainly does have a coquettish, vintage, pin-up thing going on and the contrast panelling down the front makes it a slimming option. However, despite the underwiring being present and correct, this is not a swimming costume for the ample of bosom as the tie detail ensures a certain level of shall-we-say straining is inevitable. This might be your intention but if your question is..
YEAH, BUT CAN I SWIM IN IT?
The answer is if you’re small busted, yes. If you’ve got large breasts, then oh my, no. The straps are extraordinarily thin and what with the drag, your chest’ll be outta there before you’ve hit the 100m mark. This swimsuit is a Jane Russell style affair – this is no time to get your hair wet.
2. Speedo Lane Blaze Splice Hydrasuit, from £26
WILL I LOOK SUPER AWESOME?
Well, if you’re into the frisson of a high-necked Edwardian garment, then yes. You will look quite the buttoned-down but secretly highly sexually potent governess figure who is IN THE SEA for some reason. It’s a confusing look but not without its sensual charm. Actually the cut around the arms is pretty flattering and there are some bold and attractive lines going on and if you’re of an athletic build, this will look especially good on you.
YEAH, BUT CAN I SWIM IN IT?
It’s by Speedo and it’s called the Lane Blaze Splice Hydrasuit. Leaving aside the obvious fact that these words make no sense strung together, what do you think? Speedo is renowned for its sleek, functional and long-lasting suits and this one is no exception. This means streamlined shapes and heavily compressed breasts so that you glide effortlessly through the water. Whether or not the stripes make you go faster is a question as yet left unanswered by science.
3. Wild Cat Sonatina Swimsuit, from £145
WILL I LOOK SUPER AWESOME?
Honestly? Probably. The cut is, as you’ll ascertain from the photo, designed to show off the ahem female form, but it’s also very flattering for those among us who are less blessed up top. The diagonal neckline allows for an elegant display of clavicle, which if deployed correctly, can be very effective indeed. Plus y’know, it’s called Wild Cat, so you can sort of intuit the designer’s intentions. The Sonatina bit less so, admittedly. However, this suit does have built-in control panels which will shape your figure and ruching at the sides which provide some nice mermaid-y textures.
YEAH, BUT CAN I SWIM IN IT?
Actually, this one looks rather promising in that the straps are wide and supportive enough to allow for freedom of movement in the water. The control panels, quite apart from hugging you into a more hourglass shape, also streamline the figure and make for a more frictionless swimming experience and mitigate any unfortunate slippage that might occur. However, the RRP might give one pause for thought as the high elastane content means that this suit won’t last forever. It may seem excessive to spend over £100 on a summer fling. Still, that’s not a very wild cat way of thinking. You’ll have to be your own best judge.
So, in conclusion, though it is a rare occurrence, it is possible to marry form and function in a bathing suit. Make sure you take careful note of the straps, the elastane content and the structure of the bust line before you make your final call – you know what your priorities are, whether you’re a sex kitten or a lane blaze splicer in the water. Listen to your heart.
This post was written by a guest contributor. About the Author:
Nicki Williams is a fitness blogger who cares about proper, sensible outdoor equipment, jumping, dancing and is something of a lane splicer. She also has a thing for Berghaus jackets.
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