When it comes to charity, the truth is there are some all time classics. Bring and buy sales, bikini car washes, standing outside a shopping mall in a giant dog costume carrying a bucket, and flying in the cream of eighties pop music for a musical extravaganza.
But the all time classic, the iconic fundraising activity, will always be the man sitting in a bath of baked beans. We don’t know why somebody sitting in a tub of haricot beans and tomato sauce is the first thing we think of when it comes to generating money for charity, but it is, and that doesn’t look to be changing any time soon.
So the question is- do you have what it takes? Do you have the stamina, the drive, the determination and the beans to succeed? Just how many rhymes about farting, or puns on the word “saucy” can you take?
Fortunately, we’re here to guide you through the entire harrowing process.
Step One: Preparation
As the old proverb goes: To sit in a bath full of baked beans, one must first have a bath full of baked beans. So the first question you need to ask is, how many beans am I going to need? Brace yourself, there’s some maths coming up.
Well, your average tin of beans is going to be about 441.786 cubic centimetres in volume (determined using a tape measure, a tin of beans and a calculator). While your average bath, according to the H2ouse water conservation website, can contain 24 gallons (109.104 litres) of water. One litre is exactly 1000 cubic centimetres, so to fill your bath you’re going to need 246 tins of beans to fill your bath, give or take a tin. You may also need to subtract some beans to make room for your own volume, which we’re really not here to comment on.
A quick visit to the Tesco website tells us the cheapest baked beans on offer come in at 27 pence a tin, so it’s going to cost you £66.42 to fill your bath with beans. So before going ahead with this you need to ask yourself, how much more than £66.42 do I think I can raise by sitting in a bath full of beans? And will it be worth it?
Personally, I wouldn’t sit in a bath of beans unless I was sure I could raise another £200 after bean costs.
Step Two: Your Outfit
Okay, so you’ve got your bath full of beans. Next there is a crucial decision you’re going to have to make. First- what are you going to wear? Obviously nothing you ever want clean again. However, even wearing some clothes you don’t mind ruining forever might not be a great idea. They’ll offer you a modicum of decency and comfort as you climb in, but once you’re in the bath of beans, you’re in the bath of beans. Unless you’re going to be half-arsed about at and try to keep your upper body out of the sauce, you really are better off just manning-up and climbing in wearing nothing but your swimming trunks and a smile.
Step Three: The Waiting Game
Get into the beans as quickly as possible. Lowering yourself in slowly will only prolong the agony. As you lower yourself in, you will feel the beans moving aside for you, and rising up to meet you. Do not worry, the beans are not alive.
Slide yourself right up to the neck in the stuff. It’s going to get really cold, and the deeper under the beans you can get, the more insulation you have.
Once you’re in, wriggle about a bit and try to find a position you’re going to be comfortable in for a few hours. Once you’re comfortable, some volunteer nearby will helpfully ladle up a big dollop of beans and drop it right on your head. This may be the most revolting thing to ever happen to you. Just bear in mind that many people have given money to a good cause to see you suffer, so don’t be afraid to scream or maybe cry a little bit.
Then wait. And wait. And watch as people point and laugh. And then wait some more. And remember, you’re doing this all for charity.
This post was written by a guest contributor. About the Author:
Chris Farnell is a freelance writer who covers charity vacancies, environmental and business issues. He loves baked beans.
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